Stuck In My Craw

The following is from a conversation between fashion designer Mona Kowalska of A Détacher, Heidi Julavits, author and one of the editors of the book Women in Clothes, and writer/childbirth educator Ceridwen Morris (p. 29) ...

      "Ceridwen: I just turned forty-five, and the look that's being pitched to me is about being MILF-y, sexy -- but whatever you do, don't look like you're forty-five. Like the idea of being a capital-W Woman is not so great. We should all look twenty-eight.

      Mona: And the result is these terrible human collages. Sometimes you see someone from the back and they're all worked out and wearing skinny jeans and then they turn around ....

      Heidi: Eep! And they're seventy!

     Mona: I'd prefer someone dressed in a dowdy way."

I've gone on lately (and on, and on ... I know) lately about attitudes toward aging that I see and hear. I'm going to do it again. The above bit from the book Women in Clothes has been stuck in my craw, and I need to hock it up and look at it. Disgusting image, I know, but I'm pretty put off myself with this little snippet. Right here, I'm going to issue a note that I do not intend to condemn the whole book because it is a book full of a variety of opinions and experiences. I will, however, note that one of the elder-bashers is an editor of the book. Just saying.

What we have here are women complaining about ageism in our culture and particularly within the fashion industry. Then they make a quick 180 and wind up firing on women older than themselves. I understand that they deplore social forces that demand youthful looks. I also understand that they believe when women dress to appear younger and meet an impossible standard of youth, some Baby Jane-ish looks can result.

 

Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? 1962

Most of us would agree that this horror movie still from the early 60s reaches the level of a "terrible human collage." (This great role as a deranged, former child-star was a career boost for an aging Bette Davis and won her nominations for the Oscar, Golden Globes and the BAFTA awards for this performance.) I don't know about you, but I'm having a hard time equating this image with that with the woman who is "all worked out and wearing skinny jeans". The woman they describe as "all worked out" suggests a healthy woman with a great shape that is admirable from behind. And one who chooses to deck out the admirable figure in contemporary style.

Please note the following images. 

Lauren Hutton at 70 for Lucky Magazine

China Machado at 85 (really ... freaking 85!!!!)

Of course these women are exceptional and both won the gene pool contest big time, but the fact remains that they are old women in skinny jeans. No "terrible human collages" here.

 "Eep! And they're 70!" says Ms. Julavits of the woman she imagines in the conversation. This is not happy surprise she's expressing. Her response implies that it's inappropriate for women to look good in their 70s. Please understand, dear reader, the comments are not about a woman who looks bad in her skinnies. This is about a woman who looks good until her face shows her age.

But it's the last comment that really steams my rice: "I'd prefer someone dressed in a dowdy way."

There's no equivocation here ... this woman states that when you're old, you're no longer permitted to dress in the same way that a younger woman might choose. You gotta look old so we're all clear that you really are old. You are no longer free to look vital and modern and part of the world you live in. You're relegated to a syle-nil status. Get out on that ice-flow and stay there! Don't confuse us and disturb our stereotypes about age, and especially don't cause us to adjust our world view. We need you to settle down and look how we expect you to look at your age.

But absolutely, no matter what you do, don't show us that youth can be overrated and is not automatically present in all examples of female beauty. You just can't fly your flag as an old woman and get away with it.

Eep, indeed!

The three women in the conversation above are not 20-somethings who still hold on to the callow assumption of immortality. These are really bright and accomplished women in their 40s who clearly have some kind of concept of their own progress in life by this point in their lives, and are plainly resistant to the pressure to look younger. It makes me wonder if they assume that there is some mysterious cut-off point where they will only be graceful in their aging if they give up all interest in dressing themselves in any interesting or attractive way. Do they truly feel that being a capitol W-Woman is achieved by sometime in ones 40s but you have to give the trophy back after you get older?

These comments are not from a group of gnarled, dusty, old misogynist fellows kvetching about uppity women. These are otherwise smart and accomplished women talking this way ... and that is what really, truly what bugs me.

I sometimes have the uncomfortable suspicion that one has to actually get old before we realize that we can always, always be all that (or only that) we think we can be. If I had known this earlier, I might have done things differently. These three women will get there, if they are lucky, and I hope they remember this conversation with some chagrin.  In fact, I hope the chagrin starts anytime now.

Finally, this is the second time in a couple of weeks that I've been pissed off by something said by someone named Heidi (click here to see my other Heidi rant.)  For all you Heidis out there, and for the record generally ... I don't think or mean to imply that all women named Heidi are women of limited empathy for other women further along in the the aging process. Just these two particular Heidis.

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This is me, trying to look reproachful and smile big all at the same time.  A difficult face to achieve, and I admit the fail.  Nor am I an "all worked out" old lady, but I do wear skinnies without shame.  If I am a "terrible human collage" then they must just look away if they see me coming. Eep.

This tunic-sweater is the one thing I got from the Altuzarra collaboration with Target.  I really love it.  The low shoulder embellishment is flattering without looking like 80s big-shoulder pad extreme.

The appliques were much nicer than I thought they'd be.
My photos didn't show the detailing on the neubuck booties,  so here they are: by U.S Polo Associaton, and I loved wearing the gold with the gold.  The funny marks just above the heel are their embroidered logos that show a couple of polo players and their horses. 

(Disclaimer: I have never played polo, but I do know how to ride, so I guess I can wear these if non-riders wear "equestrian" boots.)  

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I'm taking it all over to The Leafy and Lovely Patti's Visible Monday with all the other Capital W-Women! Join the movement!
And, late breaking, I'm joining Our Wonderful Sacramento at her Share In Style!  Come see the shooooooes!