A woman with whom I used
to be close friends once told me in a rather nasty tone that she
despised "people who just want to be seen." She was
waiting for me to finish dressing and putting on my make-up so we
could attend an event together, so I get it that she might have been
annoyed that I was being slower than she wished in my despicable
process. We're still friends (sort of ) so she shall remain nameless
here. Not that I need to worry about her seeing this ... she would
never be caught dead reading a style blog. She is one of those
really, truly admirable folks who spend the majority of their time
striving for a better world, and I love her for that. But frankly,
she'd be more successful in her efforts if she stepped up her own
personal presentation a notch or ten. She spends a substantial
amount of Facebook time complaining that she is under-employed in
spite of her fabulous talents. She can also afford to step it up a
bit. Just saying.
We are both from
old-school feminist roots, but one of the strongest feminist platform
planks has always been in support of the freedom of all women to
choose ... not just in reproductive issues ... but in how they choose
to dress to face the world each day. How they choose to be seen in
response to that freedom. If you don't think that matters, then
imagine for a moment that you could not wear pants in public or were
forbidden to leave your house without covering your head for modesty.
And all this is important
because if you step out into the world at all, you will be seen.
So, in a long overdue response to her comment, I contend that, since
it is inevitable that you will be seen, it is basic civility and a
sign of respect for those who will see you to give them at least
something interesting to look at.
What you wear makes a
difference. Some days, it's only a minuscule difference; putting on
a cute cardigan on a day at home alone will keep you warm and cheer
you up if it's a cardigan that you really like. But your appearance
can also inspire others if your confident (or elegant, or minimal, or
edgy, or charming) turnout matches your competence in professional
and personal activities. You can support and flatter a friend if you show up at her social event looking like you give a flip about her success as a
hostess. She didn't put all that effort into putting together a nice
time for friends for you to arrive looking like you just finished
cleaning your bathroom and decided to honor her with your ultra
casual presence. She should love you any way you look, right? Sort
of. How you dress or don't dress says something about your respect
for her.
We all have those buds who
are so invested in being the one who is so busy with grave and
thoughty matters that, year after year, they show up in mom-jeans,
running shoes and tee shirts with pictures of precious pets or
socially relevant (but invariably trite) slogans on them. The message is that we must
never, ever think that they waste time on anything so trivial as
dressing up. The other message that they put out is, whether they
know it or not, that they are not fully present in the world we all
live in together. And that they are just not bothering to pay attention to the
people and events that are shaping the era we live in right now.
Whether they know it or not, they have made a style choice, and
reflectively, a deeper life choice. Yikes.
Very thoughtful column, Janin. We can choose to be engaged in the world at any level, fully committed, serious and brainy, and still look sharp (hello, Hillary?).
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading! And understanding. When offering our public efforts to whatever causes, disciplines, avocations or hobbies, it just seems bad manners to offer them wrapped in yesterday's newspaper instead of and attractive gift wrap. Actually, I have known people who give gifts in the plastic bags they used to carry them home from the store. Same people, I think.
DeleteI agree: presentation does make a difference. And the thing is, it doesn’t take a whole lot of time or effort to look your best. Most of my friends and I make sure we have a few pieces that flatter us, are well-made and work with our lifestyles. Then, we slip into our clothes and we’re out the door. Voila!
ReplyDeleteAnd doesn't that feel good when you fly out of the house in an outfit you know won't let you down? I think I just move and behave more confidently all day when I use a go-to outfit. Note to self: put together more go-to outfits. Thanks for reading!
DeleteI am with you on this one! I get remarks about how dressed up I am, when in reality, it is just what I wanted to wear. In years past, no one would go to the grocery store in sweats, or PJ's or some of the awful things people wear nowadays.
ReplyDeleteIf you read the "gossip sites"(gurugossiper or get off my internets) there are a lot of people who think that if you get dressed nicely to go out you are acting snobby or like you think you are really something. When did people get so nasty?
When I went to the the play Wicked, I was shocked at what some people wore to the event.
Very well written, and don't let anyone tell you that being nicely dressed is anything to apologize for.
Thanks, Debbi. I think all women should dress like they think they are "really something." Wouldn't that be nice to see for a change and more often? I know what you mean about your theater experience. Years ago on a trip to NYC, we had a snazzy dinner and then went to see a play. I figured out immediately that I was overdressed, but didn't really care. I was having my romantic dinner and theatre and was happy as a little pig in sequins!
DeleteThis was very thought provoking! I know several women that fit the description in your final paragraph and when I did a straw poll in my head, there were some underemployed and under acheiving individuals in there, despite being women that had considerable talents. At a seminar I just sat on not long ago we were told that people form an impression of us in just 7 seconds. That is quite sobering! And makes this post all the more pertinent! We can't get away from our image affecting how others see us - it's a noble idea but as you imply - probably not the world we live in.
ReplyDeleteIt may be my generation's era of youth('60s)that's to blame for this. How we dressed was a clear indicator of our ethical, social and political stance. Anti-establishment views were accompanied by the CCU (Counter-Culture Uniform ... bell-bottoms, boots or sandals, long hair on both sexes, hand-made jewelry, etc.) The CCU morphed into the mom-jeans and running shoes at some point, and I think it's become a new uniform that's meant to convey, among other ideas, a lack of vanity. What you wear speaks for you. It was as true now as it was then. I just contend that we owe clarity in our sartorial statements! Thanks so much for reading my style-rant.
DeleteI think taking an interest in your appearance because with all the things we have going on as being a wife , mother , maintain a job, and many other things . I don't see the big deal in taking 15 minutes to take care of yourself. Love this post.
ReplyDeleteCarrie
Thank you, Carrie. Would that it only took me 15 minutes! I'm slow. We've all had periods in our lives when we didn't have time (or resources, perhaps) to pull ourselves together like we'd like. Busy moms fall into that circumstance, at least sometimes. Mostly, I'm addressing older women who have the time and resources ... and what we prioritize, we make time for. You keep taking that 15, and I wish you pleasure in it, and as much of it as you'd like!
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